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     November 7, 2009

      
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Note to self

By Emily Kagan '04


Commencement: Emily Kagan (above) delivered "Note to self" (excerpted here) to her fellow graduating seniors on May 13. Chancellor Robert bedahl and keynote speaker Ted Koppel flanked University Medalist Margart Chow on stage at the Greek Theatre, while groups, small and large, of graduates celebrated. (Photos by Peg Skorpinski)



And they’ll tell you your future is bright,
You, about to embark on the rest of your life.
They’ll tell you that this moment is for reflecting on the work to be done.
Write down your goals and paste them to your palms
So that everything you touch feels like a promise.
This is what they told me…

But I’ve got a rib cage full of rainy Decembers.
And Tuesdays filled with poetry tucked behind my ears.
I’ve been writing down the Fridays with the Saturdays and stuffing them in my socks for years.
They warm the puddle-dunked shoes that bear my books off to class, conveniently folding into paper cranes to dry themselves in the wind.
On my right arm I taped the definition of the word “ecumenical.”
But on my left I have instructions on how to make my voice lose its shake when I ask questions in class.
Below the elbow I will write down how to get my cheeks not to blush when I figure that out.
I swallowed a picture of a broken heart.
I slept past lunches and stitched all those daydreams into a blanket for my shoulders.
I never learned how to drive a stick shift, but I have a note that says I tried, crammed in the broken taillight of a Honda Civic.
I’ve got a backpack full of instructions of how to cultivate fertile 19-year-old self-slaughter and reconstruction.
On the backs of my eyelids I wrote down midnight promises of commitment to Organic Chemistry that I broke at 5 p.m. promptly.
But yesterday I saw a man dressed in rain, begging for change on my way to econ class.
And I don’t think I have a place to put that.

I didn’t come here to fill my hands with tomorrows,
Rather to collect and shape the character of my yesterdays.

Somewhere it happens
That switch from what you will be, to what you are.






Articles

Cover Page
A dance at Belsen
Debating myself
Fat bites back
QA: A conversation with Hubert Dreyfus
Fab '04

Departments

Alumni Almanac
A Personal Essay
Calendar
CalZone
In Memoriam
Keeping in Touch
Letters
Recalling Cal
Talk of the Gown
Twisted Titles


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